Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
