U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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