o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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