Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize