just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
