If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
