The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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