dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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