You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
