Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this is an emotional support booty call
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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