That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Of course I have a pirate flag
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
