Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
my liver is dry heaving
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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