i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The feeling are messing with the penis
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
