She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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