I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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