That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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