Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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