i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
