Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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