mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
