Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize