Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize