I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
