I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
