The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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