WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize