While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
