I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
