God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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