Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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