I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
