I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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