this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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