it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize