You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
