Got a toothbrush?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
