you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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