ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
