I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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