So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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