Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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