Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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