My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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