Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
