saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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