Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
