somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
