You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
