Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
