$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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