Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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