you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
