That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
