he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
