my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
