Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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