shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
