Got a toothbrush?
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
