normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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