hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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